1 / Dining and Restaurants / Eating / Food and Cooking

Food Trends 2010: Taste the end of civilization

I’ve added a new item to my list of Foods Which Indicate The End of Civilization is Near: Pillsbury Easy Frost No-Fuss Frosting. This is frosting in an aerosal can for people too lazy to open a can of Pillsbury frosting and spread it which was for those too lazy to make frosting from a Pillsbury dry mix who didn’t have time to make it from scratch. Decorating icing in a squeeze tube? That I can understand… but not this. I think many folks will just squirt frosting in their mouths and skip the cake.

My Shelf of Shame also features the following dumbed- down uber-convenient processed foods:

Batter Blaster: organic pancake batter in an aerosal can you can recycle.
Oscar Mayer Fast Franks: microwaveable hot dogs already in the bun.
Cool Whip: Forget the tub, Cool Whip topping now comes in an aerosol can.
Pillsbury Ready To Bake Cookie Dough: Easier than slicing tubes o’ dough, pre-formed chunks of chocolate- chip cookie dough
Hormel SPAM Single Lite: foil- pouched, 3-ounce, 11-fat-gram portion of pork and “mechanically separated chicken” On the package: “It’s so quick and easy! Just rip and tear your way to crazy tasty town. . . . Take another bite and throw your head back and think wonderful thoughts of faraway places while you chew. Like a magical SPAM Lite castle in the sky.”
You can’t make stuff like that up.
Oreo Cakesters Soft Snack Cakes: These are for people so averse to labor that they won’t twist apart and crunch Oreos. This product is like pre-dunked, pre-chewed Oreos.
Kraft Easy Cheese: Easier than Velveeta or Cheez Whiz, the pioneering shelf-stable, American-flavored “pasteurized cheese snack” in a pressurized can.
Smuckers Uncrustables: Easier for parents than PB&J, sealed frozen sandwich-like frozen turnovers pre-filled with peanut butter and jam, a descendant of Smucker’s Goober Grape swirled with peanut butter and squeeze bottles of Smucker’s jam-like substance.

Whipped Lightning brand whipahol: flavored, booze-infused whipped cream in a nitrous oxide-powered can. Flavors of the 36 proof concoction include cinnamon, macadamia, creme de menthe and amaretto. Keep this one out of homes with kids, teens or people.

Finally, go to Google and search for “canned cheeseburger.” I’m serious.

Be scared. Be very scared.

John Lehndorff
The Pie Calendar 2010: http://magcloud.com/browse/Issue/53186

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